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It also made me realise just what I was missing out on. After all what did I really have to show in the years since puberty? A few books, several magazines and free access to my parent's videos and DVDs, not to mention the exciting memories of late night and early morning masturbations. But I didn't even have a kiss from a girl my age, and that was where the real problem lay.All of my parent's sexual teachings, radical views and their total belief in freedom of censorship counted for nothing. Indeed all of the by-laws, or ordinances as they preferred to call the changes that were the charter, didn't mean a thing against my one major problem. I was shy, as scared of girls as a man who couldn't swim was of diving in the deep end of a swimming pool! Years of rejections when I was fat and a fast-food junkie had set up a lack of belief that was hard to shake. Even with my new physique - and it had taken six months of a very strict diet and exercise plan to get this far - I couldn't get. Finally some sleep where I don’t dream!“Go play in your room,” Karrista tells our youngest daughter. She turns and looks to me, hands on her hips. “So, Daddy. . . Why are you sleeping on the couch?” I know she’s not mad at me, but neither is she happy.“I don’t want to talk about it,” I mumble at her, hoping she’ll drop it.She won’t. “Jason, why won’t you talk to me? I know something’s bothering you. I’m your wife. Please open up to me. Is it the nightmares?”Ignoring her, I walk into our room, and start getting dressed. How am I supposed to talk to her about what happened? She’d never understand. Even if she did, how could I dump that on her? My best friend, a man she couldn’t stand, is dead. Literally died in my arms, and it’s my fault. . .* * *“Michael!” I yell, but can’t hear my own voice over the ringing in my ears. “No, no, no, no, no,” I repeat, as I reach out to check his pulse. Where is it? Why is there so much blood?There! Is that it? Yes, it’s faint, but it’s there.A.
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